am i just

a loser

magnificent

chaotic

a phoenix

am i lazy

starring out the window

solving the riddle of time

fearing success

not giving a mundane damn 

are my tattoos

the manifestation of self mutilating behavior

the stained glass of my soul

antisocial

a desire for artistic release 

am i immoral

sucking the life out of everything around me

languishing in divine sensuality

not doing my part

chasing rainbows 

is my ability to hyperfocus

narcissistic

a divine gift

avoidance tactics

sacred space for creating miracles 

i don’t understand

being grounded

or mixed up numbers

i don’t understand

simultaneously loving and hating people

or why i don’t pay attention

i don’t understand

how you see me

or why i so easily become overwhelmed

or my insatiable tactile appetite

or my right-on intuition

i don’t understand

why i can’t stay

or my need for loud music

or how i get lost

or why you don’t want me

i don’t understand

why i’m homeless

wherever i am

or why it makes perfect sense

i don’t understand

why you don’t understand

or why our brains function differently

i don’t understand

your questions

or your reasoning

or your need to control me

i don’t understand

what’s next

i don’t understand

why i don’t understand

something

anything

everything

i just don’t know 

do i blurt out

from judgmental ego

to give random messages from spirit

because i am simply rude

or possessed 

do i self medicate

due to addictive predisposition

to regulate disbursement of pain

for fun

or in order to have fun 

do you know me

as a nuisance

an alley

as incompetent

or just plain crazy 

will it help

to institutionalize me

to educate yourself

to psychoanalyze me

to arm me against your insensitivity 

is it odd

that i can be so generous

that you could love me

that there is hope

that i need to be colorful 

do you recognize

my struggle

your fear

my heartfullness

your narrow mindedness 

do you wish

i would grow up

you didn’t have to deal with me

i would wake up

or just give you a break 

do you give me

the brush

a helping hand

grief

encouragement 

when i come for treatment

am i med seeking

truly sincere

a waste of your precious time

a reminder of your inability to be effective 

can you hear me

screaming out in class

singing to the moon

crying myself to sleep

begging for alms 

i’m beginning to realize

there is hope for me

i’m beginning to realize

there are no excuses

there aren’t even many good answers

i’m beginning to realize

the answers are secondary anyway

i’m not just insane immoral lazy a bad seed shiftless stupid hopeless

i’m beginning to realize

i’m happy with my personal brand of craziness

i need to putter

i’m beginning to realize

there’s hope for you

we see things differently

you have demanded an explanation to questions i can not answer

i’m beginning to realize

the solution to my puzzle

i’m beginning to realize

the solution to your puzzle

i’m beginning to realize

you are here to give the big picture

i’m here to fill in the details 

please forgive me

when i break your rules

for veering off task

when i don’t hear you

i’m busy writing poetry

 

~ by francleablunt on November 23, 2009.

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